


Handsome Pants

by bluemoonmaverick



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-17
Updated: 2014-01-17
Packaged: 2018-01-09 02:22:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluemoonmaverick/pseuds/bluemoonmaverick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Remember that time on P3X-595?  You drank that stuff that made you take off..."  Well, here's the story behind it.  A lighthearted one-shot, set Season 1, pre-Emancipation.</p><p>**Sam & Jack Multimedia Awards Nominee - Best Comedy (2014)**</p>
            </blockquote>





	Handsome Pants

As missions went, this one wasn't turning out half bad, thought Jack. The people of P3X-595 didn't have much to trade, but they sure knew how to throw a party. As luck would have it, SG-1 had arrived just in time for their annual sowing celebration, and the tribal chieftain had invited them to stay as their guests of honor. Jack had been reluctant at first, thinking that they might have to partake in some ritual cross stitching competition, but fortunately, Daniel had set him straight, informing him that they were celebrating the planting of crops, not the finer points of quilting.

Jack sat back and watched the revelers enjoying the party. It was a fine night indeed. The music was good, the food was better, and best of all, the women of this planet apparently went topless. Yep, about the only complaint that Jack had was that the celebratory ale was disappointingly weak, though that didn't stop any of the them from drinking it.

He was just getting comfortable, enjoying the performance of a particularly attractive female dancer, when Daniel suddenly plopped down beside him. "Have you seen Dr. Carter?" he asked.

Jack kept his eyes on the dancer and tried his best to keep the irritation out of his voice. "I'm sure she's around here somewhere, Daniel. I saw her just a minute ago."

Teal'c sat down on the other side of him. "I, too, have been unable to locate Dr. Carter."

Jack sighed and finally took his eyes off of the dancer to begin looking around the party for his Second in Command. When he didn't spot her from his position on the ground, he leapt to his feet, Daniel and Teal'c following suit. Still, he didn't see her. He was becoming concerned. She knew better than to stray too far from the rest of the team.

Just as he was about to organize an impromptu search, Daniel spoke. "Oh, no."

"What?" asked Jack.

"I found Dr. Carter."

"Where?"

"There." Daniel pointed toward the dancers.

Jack's eyes widened as he watched his Captain dancing in line with the rest of the women, her shirt pulled halfway over her head. "What the..." She finished pulling it off and threw it on the ground. "Carter!"

"I believe she is about to remove her undergarment," said Teal'c calmly, and Jack could see that she was reaching behind her back to unclasp her bra.

"Daniel, do something," Jack said desperately.

"Me?" he asked in a strangled voice.

"You're the cultural expert!"

Daniel shot Jack an exasperated look, but he walked quickly toward Sam, picking up her discarded shirt along the way. He approached her, but she danced right by him. "Dr. Carter!" He reached out and grabbed her by the arm, preventing her from removing her bra, then pulled her giggling over to where Jack and Teal'c were standing. "Dr. Carter, please," he said as he struggled to pull her shirt over her head. "This isn't a good idea."

But Sam just smiled at him as he helped her put her arms back through the sleeves of her shirt. "You're so cute, Daniel." She caressed his cheek and in a sultry voice continued, "Sha're is a lucky woman." Daniel's mouth dropped open.

"I believe you have consumed more alcohol than is prudent, Dr. Carter," said Teal'c.

Sam turned her attention to the Jaffa. "And you! You're so...big." She ran her hand down his arm and swept his large form with her eyes, head to toe. "Everywhere," she said suggestively, earning her a raise of the eyebrow.

"Alright, that's enough," interrupted Jack, clearly annoyed. "Time for bed, Captain."

Sam's gaze landed on Jack, and her entire face lit up. "I thought you'd never ask."

"Um, do you need help, Jack?" Daniel asked, uncertainly.

"No, I've got this," the military man replied. "She's my responsibility." And he had every intention of dressing her down for her behavior the moment she was lucid enough to appreciate just how much trouble she was in. "You guys stay here and enjoy the party." He addressed his subordinate brusquely. "Come on, Carter, you're coming with me."

She looked at him with a gleam in her eye, not intimidated in the least. "Oh, I hope so, sir."

"Uh, Jack?"

"It's okay, Daniel." He turned to face Sam. "Now, Captain!" he barked.

"Yes, sir!" she replied, giving him a sloppy salute.

Jack strode away from the party in the direction of their camp with Sam trailing lazily behind. He wondered when she had consumed so much alcohol. She hadn't been out of his sight too many times that night and certainly not for any significant length of time. He hadn't noticed that she was drinking any more than the rest of them. Plus, he figured the alcohol content of the local brew must have been pretty low, because he didn't feel a thing. Hell, even Daniel was stone cold sober.

He was roused from his thoughts when Sam broke the silence of the now still night. "Permission to speak freely, sir?"

He spun around to look at her and was not surprised to find a faint smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Could I stop you?" He turned and kept walking down the trail that led to the clearing housing the rustic huts the chief had provided for them.

"You are soooooo handsome, sir."

He sighed and rolled his eyes. It wasn't the first time in his career that a woman had commented on his rugged good looks, though this was the only time he'd had a subordinate do so. He had to admit that he was somewhat flattered by the fact that it was coming from such a young and attractive subordinate. Still, her behavior was highly inappropriate, and he needed to rein her in. "Carter...," he started, his voice a warning.

But she was undeterred. "I bet you're a good kisser."

"Carter!" he snapped. Damn, he thought, she must be really drunk. There'd be hell to pay tomorrow morning.

"I bet you're good at a _lot_ of things," she said, her voice low and husky.

Now that was going too far. "That's enough, Captain!" he barked, though he couldn't ignore the spark of desire that her words had kindled.

She sighed and was blessedly quiet for a while, as they continued to make their way down the rough path. Just as Jack had corralled his errant thoughts about his Captain, she spoke out of the blue. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

He stopped and closed his eyes. Finally he turned to face her. "I know you're drunk, Carter, but this is really out of line..."

But she wasn't giving up that easily. "Have you ever thought about kissing me? Because I've thought about kissing you. Many times." Jack gaped at her for a moment, stunned, as he wondered for a brief second how she would taste. The fleeting desire he was feeling earlier was now pooling deep and low, and he tried to tamp down on it as hard as he could. Sam, for her part, simply smiled coyly. "Do you want to kiss me now?" she asked, as if reading his mind.

It finally dawned on Jack that the situation was rapidly spiraling out of control. This was no longer harmless, drunken flirting, and it was time to shut it down. "Look, Captain Carter, you are very pretty, and perhaps, maybe, if you weren't my _subordinate officer_ , I'd consider kissing you, but as things stand, I really don't think it's worth risking the court martial. Wouldn't you agree?"

Apparently, however, that was the wrong thing to say, as his sarcasm was completely lost on her. Instead of backing off, she practically jumped in front of him and, grabbing him by the shoulders, whispered excitedly, "We wouldn't have to tell anyone."

She lunged toward him, but in one fluid motion he ducked, grasped both of her legs, and lifted her bodily over his shoulder. "That's _it_ , Captain!" he grunted, as he began down the path once again, carrying his Second with him.

She began giggling uncontrollably. "Ooh, very caveman, sir." She remained draped over his shoulder for several more minutes before she spoke again. "You can put me down now, sir."

Jack thought she sounded almost rational. "Are you going to behave?" he asked hopefully.

"No promises," she replied in a sing-song voice.

Damn. "Then you're staying there."

"Well, at least the view is nice. You have a very nice six, sir. It really makes your pants...handsome. You have handsome pants, sir." She erupted in another fit of the giggles.

Finally, they reached their hut, and Jack put Sam down just inside the door. She immediately placed both hands on his chest and leaned toward him. He grabbed her wrists and forcibly put her hands by her side. "You need to get in bed, Captain."

"Yes, _sir_ ," she replied, all too willingly. Once again, she placed her hands on his chest, and once again he removed them, a little more forcibly this time.

"Alone," he said sternly. He turned his back on her for just a moment to lay her bedroll on top of the raised sleeping platform, and Sam took the opportunity to strip off her shirt and toss it on the floor. Jack spun around just in time to find her removing her bra, which she quickly discarded as well.

"Whoa!" For a moment, he was too stunned to do anything. His mind was blank, though his traitorous body was more than happy to respond. After several seconds, he finally registered that the extremely young, extremely beautiful woman standing topless in front of him was his Second in Command. "Get dressed now, Captain!" he yelled, his voice sounding a bit strangled.

"No, sir," she practically purred as she fumbled with the buttons on her BDU pants. "You said to get in bed." With that, she dropped her pants, so that she stood naked in front of him save the small patch of cotton that made up her military issue skivvies.

It took every last ounce of Jack's self-control not to let his gaze linger on her perfectly rounded breasts or wander up and down her long, long legs that just did. not. stop. He swallowed hard and tried to keep the panic out of his voice, unfortunately with little success. "What does that have to do with taking off your clothes?" He winced as the words came out a couple of octaves higher than normal.

She approached him slowly, moving like a panther on the prowl, and all he could do was watch, entranced. She wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her lips to his ear. "I sleep naked," she whispered.

Her words shot straight to his groin, and he felt his cock jump to full attention. He attempted a half-hearted protest. "Carter..." he began, but she immediately captured his lips with hers, effectively silencing any further objections.

Jack's mind switched to auto-pilot, as her soft curves met the hardened planes of his chest and she took his lower lip between her teeth. With an involuntary groan, he pressed his lips fully to hers, his tongue demanding entrance. She opened to him willingly, and he ran his hands over her back and up into her hair, holding her more closely to him.

Somewhere in the far recesses of his rational mind, he began to form a vague, incoherent thought, something about a drunken subordinate, court martial, and dishonorable discharge. He pulled back from her immediately.

"Wait, wait!" he yelled. "Christ, Carter, this isn't right!"

She smiled and ran her hands over his chest. "Hmmmm. It feels right to me." She pulled his head back down to hers to kiss him again, but he dodged her and jumped back several feet. She put her hands on her hips and stuck out her lower lip in an exaggerated pout.

"Uh, uh, Captain," Jack said, as he struggled out of his BDU jacket. "Now, you're going to behave and put this on. That's an order," he added hastily. He held out his jacket to her, but she just gave him a smoldering look. "Fine," he said with more bravado than he actually felt, "if you won't put it on, I'll do it for you."

With that he quickly draped his jacket around her shoulders, and she surprised him by slipping her arms into the sleeves. The moment the jacket was on, though, she threw those same arms around his neck and purred, "Oh, you do it for me all right."

Startled, he yelled her name and tried to extricate himself from her embrace as quickly as possible. But in his haste to get away, Jack tripped over the end of the sleeping platform and lost his balance. Before he realized what had happened, he was lying on the bed with his mostly naked subordinate beneath him.

She looked up at him, panting slightly, her eyes completely dilated. Once again, Jack felt all of the blood in his body rush south. "Make love to me, sir," she said breathily. She shifted slightly and arched the lower part of her body against the now rock hard evidence of his desire. "I know you want to," she whispered seductively.

Jack jumped up as if he'd been burned. "For cryin' out loud, Carter!"

"Uh, Jack?" Daniel said from the cabin door, with Teal'c standing slightly behind him.

"It's not what it looks like!" he yelled automatically, then closed his eyes and shook his head, knowing that his disheveled appearance and panicked response to his teammates' unexpected arrival made it look exactly like...like...Jack risked a glance back toward Sam and groaned. She was reclined on her elbows, wearing little more than his open BDU jacket and a grin.

"Out!" he yelled at Daniel and Teal'c, then whirled around and pointed at Sam. "Stay!" he commanded and quickly followed the other men out of the hut.

He had just joined his teammates on the doorstep when he heard Sam call to him, "Hurry back Colonel Handsome Pants!" Both of Daniel's eyebrows shot to the top of his head, while Teal'c arched one perfectly sculpted brow in response.

Jack just stared at the two men. "Not a word," he growled.

Before Jack could say anything further, though, Daniel blurted, "It's not her fault, Jack."

"What do you mean it's not her fault?" he asked, incredulous. "She's lit!"

"No, she's drugged," he replied.

Jack went from irritation to concern instantly. "What?"

Daniel took a deep breath. "Teal'c and I found out a few things after you left. Apparently the celebration tonight wasn't about planting crops, it was about producing children." He paused for a moment to let that sink it, but Jack just glared at him, eyes wide. "The ritual drink was an aphrodisiac. And a strong one at that, designed specifically for women, which explains why we weren't affected."

Jack ran his hands over his face and through his hair. "Shit."

"Jack," Daniel began, and then cleared his throat, indicating his discomfort, "did anything...inappropriate happen between the two of you?"

"No, of course not," he responded immediately. He thought about the feeling of her soft body pressed to his. "Well, not really," he hedged. Daniel just continued to look at him. "Jesus, Daniel, I'm only human. She kissed me, but that was it, I swear. I was trying to get her off of me when you guys walked in."

Teal'c's deep voice brought him back to the present. "And how is Captain Carter now?"

Crap, thought Jack. She'd been quiet for far too long. But when he walked back into the cabin, he found Sam asleep on the bed, sprawled across her unfurled bedroll. She was still wearing his jacket, though it was completely open, exposing her bare breasts. Cautiously, he approached her, but she didn't stir. God, she was gorgeous, he thought, as he looked down on her still form. He blew out a large breath. He knew he was not supposed to think of her that way, and he wasn't looking forward to the conversation they would need to have tomorrow.

Carefully, he pulled his jacket closed around her and buttoned it up, but he couldn't resist letting his fingers trail down her cheek. She let out a contented sigh and turned into his touch.

It was at that moment that he realized that he was in serious trouble. The fact was, he had begun to fall for her the moment she had walked into the SGC conference room, all blond hair, long legs, and sharp attitude. Even before her strip tease earlier that night, he'd thought she was one of the most beautiful women he'd ever met. But the real problem was that she had been right from the beginning - the more he'd gotten to know her, the more he'd come to like her, as both an officer and a person. And the feeling of her bare breasts pressed to his firm chest, her silky skin under his calloused fingers, and her curious tongue slipping past his slightly parted lips was not something he was likely to soon forget.

He swallowed hard and stood, pulling the covering up over her legs. He took one last look at her peacefully sleeping form and walked out of the cabin.

"She's out, finally," he said to Daniel and Teal'c. "Still, I think it would best if she sleeps by herself and we take watches in pairs."

"It was that bad?" asked Daniel.

"It was that bad," confirmed Jack, though he wondered whether he was protecting himself from her, or the other way around.

oOoOoOo

The following morning, Jack had not even had his first cup of coffee when Daniel informed him that Sam was awake but refusing to come out of the hut. Jack steeled himself, knowing what he had to do. He walked to the doorway of the structure and peeked inside to find his Second sitting on the floor with her back against the wall, her head resting on bent knees. He let out a soft sigh and walked inside, noting with no small degree of relief that she was fully clothed.

"Sir!" she practically yelped when she saw him enter.

Sam began to get to her feet, but Jack waved her down, indicating that she should keep her seat. Instead, he eased himself down onto the floor beside her. "So," he said after a minute. "How're you feeling, Carter?"

She stared at the ground and refused to meet his eyes. "Physically or emotionally, sir?"

He gave her a wry smile. "How much do you remember?" he asked gently.

She put her head in her hands. "Enough," she mumbled miserably. The fact was, she remembered everything. Taking off her clothes, throwing herself at her commanding officer, asking him to - oh, god - to make love to her.

They sat in silence for awhile before Jack finally spoke. "Listen, Carter. That drink that you had at the party? It was drugged. Apparently, it was some kind of love potion that only affects women. Makes you lose all of your inhibitions. So all that stuff that happened last night?" He waved his hands in the air in some sort of vague gesture. "It wasn't your fault."

It took a moment for his words to sink in, but when she finally answered him, she told him the truth. "I'm not sure that makes me feel any better, sir, but thanks anyway."

Jack hesitated, knowing what he was going to say next. "Look, Carter, there's something else." He let out a long sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. "You need to know that there was a moment last night when I just reacted and I, um...I kissed you. So, if you want to report me or transfer to another team, I'll completely understand."

She thought back to that moment and felt her face redden. She was equal parts appalled by her behavior and thrilled by the response she had elicited from him, though she would never, ever admit that out loud. Instead, she took a deep breath, then spoke quietly. "Actually, sir, I remember most everything that happened last night, including that. I know that I wanted to do a whole lot more than kiss, so I also know that you should be the one to report me."

He shook his head. "You can't be held responsible for your behavior, Carter. As for me, on the other hand..."

"If it had been any other man, sir, he might not have exercised the same restraint," she inserted quickly, with conviction. "The way I see it, I'm lucky you were the one to take me home." She blushed and ducked her head, realizing too late the double meaning of her words.

He smiled at her. "So, we're ok?" he asked after a minute.

"We're ok," she said softly and smiled back at him.

Jack stood up and extended a hand to her. "Come on." She put her hand in his, and he pulled her to her feet. "Let's go make sure we're all on the same page."

Daniel and Teal'c looked up as Jack and Sam walked out of the hut together. "So, here's the deal, guys. We all know that Captain Carter was under the influence of an alien drug and cannot be held responsible for her actions last night. I think it would be best if we put this entire incident behind us and agree never to speak of it again. Agreed?"

He looked at Sam first. She smiled at him. "Agreed, sir."

He turned to Teal'c. "Agreed, O'Neill."

"Daniel?" he asked the archeologist.

A huge grin spread across his features. "Agreed, Colonel Handsome Pants."

The End

 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Permission to speak freely, sir](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167503) by [iblamethenubbins](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iblamethenubbins/pseuds/iblamethenubbins)




End file.
